Texting

Don’t you love it when parents get into text speak? There’s a spectrum between parents who have absolutely no idea – a text darling? What’s wrong with a telegram? – and those who know more of the lingo than we do – btw am@shops fyi – 241 cakes ftw! What! You’re 30 years older than me, that’s not right. Have you noticed some people are inclined to put ‘lol’ after everything though – I went to the shops lol, got some bread lol…is bread really that hilarious? Is it? I will admit Sometimes you need it though if you’re not sure how the other person will react. ‘I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met’ suddenly becomes a lot less needy if you just add ‘lol’.

I’ve met people who actually put it in speech though. we had a great night lol, it was hilarious lol. No smiles. No laughs. Just lol. Reduces the need for muscle exercise, Imagine if you were having a romantic evening with your gf and she actually said ‘I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met lol’. I’m sorry, did you choke on something? Lol? I didn’t realise you actually spoke like you do in text messages! Jesus.

Omg darling, tbh it’s just…can I stop you there love? Those aren’t words. Imagine if you actually wanted to say you were lazing around…I’m just lolling on the sofa at the moment. Why? What’s so funny about the sofa? No, I mean…don’t worry. DW, if you will.

Nearly

Why are there some questions we always answer with 'nearly'?
What's the time? It's nearly 3
How tall are you? Nearly 6 foot

By nearly, we actually mean it's not 3, I'm not 6 foot. In fact the one time it definitely isn't is 3.
-I'm nearly 6 foot tall.
-Fine. How tall are you actually?
-5 foot 10.

Do we think people are incapable of understanding specifics?
-It's 2.51, but he'll never understand that...It's nearly 3 mate.

Would we do this on application forms? When they ask 'how old are you?' would we put something like 'nearly 22'? If you're nearly 22 then you're 21. Stop messing with me!

'I was born nearly in 1990'. Well how nearly?
'I lie nearly at 124 Woodland Avenue'. Great, and where do you actually live?
'126'

Books

I remember at school we had to cover all our books with wrapping paper-I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe they wanted us to release our inner creative being as if we were some pre-school interior designer: 'darling, I love what you've done with 'Adventures in Physics, volume 1'...the 'Happy 21st birthday' wrapping paper really works with that massive blue felt-tip smiley face don't you think?'

The real reason was that teachers suspected we were physically incapable of not drawing on anything: 'quick, cover your books, draw on that, draw on that, no not on Sally's face, on the cover...'

Obviously in practice this doesn't work, unless you cover all the tables, all the lockers, the walls, the floor, the ceiling, everyone else...until it looks like you've walked into a very bad version of Art Attack.

But what if we subtly amended the covers of the books we read now like we used to do? Here are some of the books you could be reading on the train today:

Engineering Works on the Orient Express
All Quiet on the Northern Line (probably due to aforementioned engineering works)
James and the Giant Mortgage
Dave's Blue World (by Aldus 'Cameron' Huxley)
Oliver's Pissed (or the new sequel now out called 'Oliver's Pissed Again!')
Beer and Loathing in Bognor Regis
If on a Winter's Night I had some Heating (by Italo 'my gosh it's cold in here' Calvino)
iClaudius (Apple are currently claiming the rights of the original)
The Hair Dryer, the Bitch, and her Wardrobe

Classic literature updated for the modern generation.