(From a university sitcom draft. Three housemates are in the lounge, mostly watching TV but perhaps half-heartedly with work beside them. There are two guys (Dave and Hugo) and one girl (Ryanne) – who is the very chilled out sort. Isabel, far more image-conscious, enters in drainpipes and looking a little gaunt.)
Dave: Who who gave you permission to go emo on us?
Isabel: I’m dieting
Hugo: What on earth for? (is happily munching his way through a packet of hobnobs)
I: Partly cos have you seen the weight I’ve put on?
They all exchange glances, pause, wondering what the best answer is, then simultaneously:
um well, now you mention it, maybe just a tiny bit
H: Shotgun! (gets up and leaves the room)
R: What do most students eat?
D: Erm…mostly crème eggs, baked beans, pot noodle and strongbow…
I: So we’re doing well then (a little sarcastically)
R: You can’t eat pot noodle, it’s not good for you
D: (defensively) Hey I’m still the picture of health….right? (there is a telling pause)
R: You want healthy stuff like nuts (brings out bag, passes it round. It still has a price tag on it)
I: (reads) May contain traces of nuts. Well I should hope so. You spent £5 on something that might have a trace of nuts in?!
R: Maybe that’s like our meal last Sunday – may contain traces of roast dinner
D: That’s what you need Iz, just the smell of food, for serious dieters. Maybe you could spray it on.
R: Eau de parmesan…mmm.
(Hugo re-enters)
D: So what are you going to eat then? In fact what are we going to eat now Hugo’s just eaten the baked beans?
H: Come on guys, we must be able to rustle up something. Let me do the food, and you worry about eating it
R: Oh we will.
H: Hey, my cooking’s not that bad (pause)
D: Last time you cooked dinner you said let’s napalm it to cook it quicker
H: I was hungry!
D: Are you joining us Iz?
I: Nah…I’ll read Vogue instead
R: Dinner or Vogue? (puzzled)
I: I feel Vogue feeds me more (she tosses her hair and exits)
D: Wow. That was weird.
R: Maybe she’s depressed
H: Well I would be if I wasn’t eating dinner.
D: Fair play in a way though. I tried to go the gym last week. Got worn out before I got there. That’s a bit depressing.
R: When I’m a bit depressed, I just get out a knife….and cut a nice big slice of cake.
H: I could do with a bit of cake
D: This is the last hobnob, guys (reaching into the packet)
H: Toss you for it
D: Rather you didn’t thanks!
