Bees and Wasps

Bees and wasps are the epitome of feminism. The Queen’s the centre of attention with her hundreds of slaves working for her. What shall I call these slaves? I think I’ll call them…drones. In fact there are species called ‘Worker’ bees and ‘Worker’ wasps. Imagine your entire species being defined by your profession. There are species of bee called ‘Mining bees’ – what if they want to do something else?

We’re miners?
Well can’t you do something else? Like property development or something
We can’t, our entire species must be miners. It’s in our name.

Some of them obviously got bored and mutated to get round this problem. There are ‘leaf-cutter’ bees and those that went into textiles – ‘wool-carder’ bees. Then there are the lazy ones:

And what do you do?
I bumble. Yes we didn’t fancy being miner bees so we decided to call ourselves Bumble Bees. Catchy isn’t it? Yes, well, we just have meetings in the Hive (groovy name I know) with about 150 of us and just bumble together really. It’s great fun…

Unlike bees, wasps are defined more by where they spend their time. ‘I’m a tree wasp’, ‘a sand wasp’, ‘a paper wasp’, and the bizarrely specific ‘Robin’s pin-cushion wasp (cheers Robin, very kind of you)’.

But we all know they’re lying, because otherwise they’d have more exciting names like ‘Jam Sandwich Wasp’, ‘Pear Cider Wasp’ or ‘Orange Solero Wasp’.

‘Hi, I’m Mr Wasp, I’d like a Calippo please. Great, thanks. Got any jam as well?’

Green Bottles

A child is sitting outside next to a wall with ten green bottles lined up on it.

Child singing: There were ten green bottles sitting on the wall
Parent offstage: Washed of course
Child: There were ten washed green bottles sitting on the wall
Parent: Oh, and labels removed, naturally
Child: There were ten washed green bottles labels removed sitting on the…
Parent: Did I mention they were Fairtrade?
Child: There were ten washed Fairtrade…
Parent: Organic
Child: Organic?
Parent: Locally produced
Child: Locall-
Parent: Recycled glass

The child smashes a bottle in annoyance then continues singing happily:
There were nine green bottles…

Texting

Don’t you love it when parents get into text speak? There’s a spectrum between parents who have absolutely no idea – a text darling? What’s wrong with a telegram? – and those who know more of the lingo than we do – btw am@shops fyi – 241 cakes ftw! What! You’re 30 years older than me, that’s not right. Have you noticed some people are inclined to put ‘lol’ after everything though – I went to the shops lol, got some bread lol…is bread really that hilarious? Is it? I will admit Sometimes you need it though if you’re not sure how the other person will react. ‘I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met’ suddenly becomes a lot less needy if you just add ‘lol’.

I’ve met people who actually put it in speech though. we had a great night lol, it was hilarious lol. No smiles. No laughs. Just lol. Reduces the need for muscle exercise, Imagine if you were having a romantic evening with your gf and she actually said ‘I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met lol’. I’m sorry, did you choke on something? Lol? I didn’t realise you actually spoke like you do in text messages! Jesus.

Omg darling, tbh it’s just…can I stop you there love? Those aren’t words. Imagine if you actually wanted to say you were lazing around…I’m just lolling on the sofa at the moment. Why? What’s so funny about the sofa? No, I mean…don’t worry. DW, if you will.

Nearly

Why are there some questions we always answer with 'nearly'?
What's the time? It's nearly 3
How tall are you? Nearly 6 foot

By nearly, we actually mean it's not 3, I'm not 6 foot. In fact the one time it definitely isn't is 3.
-I'm nearly 6 foot tall.
-Fine. How tall are you actually?
-5 foot 10.

Do we think people are incapable of understanding specifics?
-It's 2.51, but he'll never understand that...It's nearly 3 mate.

Would we do this on application forms? When they ask 'how old are you?' would we put something like 'nearly 22'? If you're nearly 22 then you're 21. Stop messing with me!

'I was born nearly in 1990'. Well how nearly?
'I lie nearly at 124 Woodland Avenue'. Great, and where do you actually live?
'126'

Books

I remember at school we had to cover all our books with wrapping paper-I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe they wanted us to release our inner creative being as if we were some pre-school interior designer: 'darling, I love what you've done with 'Adventures in Physics, volume 1'...the 'Happy 21st birthday' wrapping paper really works with that massive blue felt-tip smiley face don't you think?'

The real reason was that teachers suspected we were physically incapable of not drawing on anything: 'quick, cover your books, draw on that, draw on that, no not on Sally's face, on the cover...'

Obviously in practice this doesn't work, unless you cover all the tables, all the lockers, the walls, the floor, the ceiling, everyone else...until it looks like you've walked into a very bad version of Art Attack.

But what if we subtly amended the covers of the books we read now like we used to do? Here are some of the books you could be reading on the train today:

Engineering Works on the Orient Express
All Quiet on the Northern Line (probably due to aforementioned engineering works)
James and the Giant Mortgage
Dave's Blue World (by Aldus 'Cameron' Huxley)
Oliver's Pissed (or the new sequel now out called 'Oliver's Pissed Again!')
Beer and Loathing in Bognor Regis
If on a Winter's Night I had some Heating (by Italo 'my gosh it's cold in here' Calvino)
iClaudius (Apple are currently claiming the rights of the original)
The Hair Dryer, the Bitch, and her Wardrobe

Classic literature updated for the modern generation.

Teenage drivers

(She drives a) Clio (Audio file)
To the tune of Duran Duran's 'Rio'

Lyrics:
Bombing down the M4 now babe, you’re doing eighty-eight
Pedal to the floor yeah, I suppose you must be late?
With one hand on the wheel and one hand on your phone
You’re listening to Kanye West
You think you’re something special and you think your car’s the best

She drives a Clio, ‘cos it’s all she can afford
Her Mummy bought it for her though she’s twenty four
Eight speeding fines and a dent inside the door
Wants to drive a Beemer but she couldn’t get insured

I’ve seen you in Asda and I’ve seen you in Somerfield
Seven-teen inch alloys and your bright pink steering wheel -
I’ll never be seen with you
You drive your car so badly, and it’s a French one too

She drives a Clio, ‘cos it’s all she can afford
Her Mummy bought it for her though she’s twenty four
She can never park it and she steers it oh so bad
She’s such a teenage driver
And she takes after her dad…

Petrol

Every time I go to the petrol station I have to mentally double check which side the cap’s on. Does anyone else do this? You’d think after, let's say, a fairly considerable number of visits to petrol stations I’d remember. But obviously none of us wants to get it wrong and have to haul the pump over the car while we stand there nonchalantly as if to say 'well I like a challenge. What's your point?' Or worse still, find that the pump doesn’t in fact reach to the other side of the car, in which case we have to get back in the car as if we’ve just remembered that, erm, we didn’t actually need petrol anyway.

For some reason every time we fill up with petrol it has to be an even number though doesn’t it? Whether it’s exactly thirty pounds, or exactly thirty litres. If the pump clicks full at 29.78, we will it on to reach 30, even if petrol’s practically spilling out by this point in protest. I must have a round number! Come on!

Obviously if you misjudge this fine art you end up going to the till shamefaced. £30.02? I’m sorry, I slipped.

People like to have petrol price competitions I've noticed. It's like the new 'weather conversation':
'Petrol's up again'
'I know! I saw a 95. 9 today'
'95.9? I saw a 98.9 only last week'
'You're joking?'
'I know, Bloody ridiculous.'

And if we've got time we'll drive round to a petrol station that's maybe 2pence cheaper, even though it only saves us about 50p overall. Which we'll then probably spend on a chocolate bar. So, all in all, completely pointless.